


Heavy is the head that wears the crown

by AlecWinchester



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: AU: what if Alec says yes, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood loves Magnus Bane more than anything, Asmodeus is a Dick, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e17 coda, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Episode: s03ep17 Heavenly Fire, Forgiveness, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Loss, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, One Shot, POV Alec Lightwood, Post episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire, Sacrifice, Sad Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, harsh words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 00:16:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18418874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlecWinchester/pseuds/AlecWinchester
Summary: In retrospect, he always knew what he was going to do. From the moment Asmodeus spoke those fateful words. He was always going to end up here, standing in front of Magnus, his Magnus—the love of his life, the person he loves most in the world.He knew, this was where he was going to break Magnus' heart.---The one where Alec says yes.





	Heavy is the head that wears the crown

**Author's Note:**

> Because I felt inspired, I thought I would share my self-indulged melodramatic idea. I broke my own heart writing it, so I am warning you this is rough, it's sad and heartbreaking; and Madison, being my light, knows I can be demonic sometimes so if this hurt me well...Anyway! I'd like to dedicate this piece to my heart, my darling sun, my inspiration behind this, Mary (@ArtistMow), you have helped me so much with this and it would've never been written if not for your support and love; thank you for shining so bright (that even the sun is jealous). Anyway angels, enjoy.

_“End your relationship with him, **break his heart.** ”_

Alec remembers his heart stuttering in his chest, he remembers the hoking fear, the utter rejection his brain immediately supplied the moment Asmodeus suggested it. He remembers wanting to lash out, to yell, to cry, _because hasn’t Magnus suffered enough—haven’t they **both**_ _suffered enough?_ Then he remembers Magnus choking over his own words— _I’m not happy_.

( _I’m not happy with you—you can’t make me as happy as I make you—nothappynothappy **nothappy**_ )

Then, he knows what to do.

In retrospect, he always knew what he was going to do. From the moment Asmodeus spoke those fateful words. He was always going to end up here, standing in front of Magnus, _his Magnus_ —the love of his life, the person he loves most in the world. Who was glowing with the renewed strength of his magic, who was looking at Alec, shining smile stretched across his beautiful face. A god among mortals, a person Alec never deserved. Alec knew he would end up here, at the end of the line, he knew it.

 _This was where he was going to break Magnus’ heart_.

(and his own)

\---

They stand before each other, Magnus has his loft back. He’s dressed in his finest suit—the one Alec had previously expressed his love for, on multiple occasions. He’s smiling and Alec gets lost in his smile, if just for a moment. As they clink champagne glasses together, Magnus’ gloss shining, his eyes reflecting the stars. Alec curses the universe for handing them the shittiest, _most unfair_ of cards. He could never get one thing, _ever_. He looks at Magnus once more, memorizing the glow of his happiness, the galaxies in his eyes, the sunsets behind his smiles; he takes it all in _one more time_.

Magnus doesn’t notice of course, he’s alit with joy. Alec can barely reconcile him from the shell of a man he was not one week ago.  He leans in and kisses Alec—and of course Alec is helpless, he responds back in earnest, pulling Magnus in close and deepening the kiss, until he remembers, and he stiffens, feeling the weight of his cursed promise weighing on his soul. Magnus notices this however, and pulls back, looking at Alec questioningly.

“Alexander,” he caresses Alec’s cheek and Alec tries his hardest not to lean into it, “is everything alright?”

Alec just looks away.

Magnus’ eyebrows furrow but before he can say anything Alec steps away from his grasp, “Magnus, I—um, we need to talk.”

Magnus straightens up in response, like he’s preparing for something, and Alec freezes for a moment because Magnus can’t possibly know—but then he sees Magnus trying to hide a smile and he gestures, “the floor is yours, Alexander, I am all ears.”

Alec’s heart drops and he wants to cry—he wants to run faraway with Magnus in his arms to a little corner in the world and never let go, he wants to marry him, love him, make him laugh and smile for as long as his life allowed him, he wanted _them_ to be happy together. But they don’t get that, Alec doesn’t get that, it was foolish to think he ever could. But if it means Magnus having his magic back, if it meant him never seeing him again, never smiling at Magnus again or kissing him, then Alec would do it. Without question.

After all, he remembers that where Magnus is— _was_ his whole world, Magnus’ world was bigger than just him.

It was that very thought that imbued Alec with the strength he needed, he let the cold of reality slip into him, until his soul was ice. He looked Magnus in the eyes and said the words he never thought he would ever have to say in this lifetime, “Magnus, I—we can’t do this anymore.”

Magnus’ face falls and Alec has to look away, when he looks back, Magnus is reaching for him, his eyes searching but Alec just takes another step back. He can see hurt painted across Magnus’ features, but he can’t stop now.

“I—just I thought I could have both…”

“Alec, I…I don’t understand? We won don’t you see?”

 _If only you knew how much we actually lost_.

Alec just shakes his head.

Magnus pushes on, a tremble in his voice, “If this is about that night—I didn’t mean for you to think that you don’t make me happy, because _gods_ you do. I just felt lost, I thought you would be happy.”

 “I’m sorry, _Magnus,_ your happiness was all I ever wanted and that was your magic—and, it was _my fault_ it was taken, but you were right—I’m not enough, we were never enough. I was a fool to think this would ever work, I am so, _so sorry_.”

Magnus grabbed his hands and held them tight, looking at Alec with his beautiful brown eyes. In another world, he’s pull Magnus in and they would kiss, and Alec would beg for forgiveness. But this isn’t that world, so instead he pulls away, and turns, ready to walk away.

“Alec stop it. _Stop please_ , what’s this really about? Please,” he begged, “please I know something is wrong.”

Alec closes his eyes. He should’ve known it wouldn’t be easy, he didn’t want to hurt Magnus. But maybe it would be better, maybe if he were cold, if he were cruel—if he made Magnus hate him. Then maybe Magnus wouldn’t have to go through the heartbreak—it would be better if Magnus couldn’t stand the sight of him. So, he reared back, letting cold fury swallow him, pushing down all emotions. He’s done it before, he can do it again.

“Fine, _fine_ , you really want to know what this is about. This is about the fact that _you_ told me I couldn’t make you happy, _this is about_ me realizing that maybe we aren’t meant to be together, this is me fucking telling you to let me go before we are _done_. I am done.” Alec could see the hitch in Magnus’ breath, his lip trembling in barely restrained hurt but he didn’t stop. “ _Maybe_ , I realized that I want to be in love with someone I can grow old with, who doesn’t choose their magic over someone they are supposed to love and— _angels_ I loved you, I did. You were right, I did fall in love with the High Warlock of Brooklyn but—” Alec almost choked on his next words, _knowing the weight they carried_ , “but I fell out of love with Magnus Bane.”

Alec knows he hit the right spot, he knows Magnus too well, he sees the moment Magnus shuts down, he sees the way his eyes fill up with tears, he can almost see his heartbreak; he’s sure it parallels his own. He sees the complete and utter hurt fill Magnus’ features before a mask falls and he’s snarling, like a wounded animal, “tell me how you really feel, _Alec_.”

Alec smirked, letting the darkness growing within him show, “I _feel_ like this thing between us, had run its term and it’s time we both move on, and _forget each other_.”

“You’re lying.” Magnus stated defiantly.

Alec shook his head, “I’m really not. I’m sorry, I did love you, but it wasn’t enough—not for me.”

Magnus doesn’t say anything in response, he just stared at Alec speechless, as if he couldn’t recognize him. Alec couldn’t blame him, he couldn’t recognize himself either. But he did what he had to. Magnus was meant for greater things than him. So, he takes a moment, _a singular moment in time_ , and memorizes Magnus, before turning away for the last time and walking away.

( _please remember me, pleasepleaseplease don’t forgot me_ )

Before he can step over the threshold of the loft though Magnus calls out, “How can you go from wanting to _marry me_ , to this?”

Alec freezes and feels any oxygen in his lungs disappear— _how could he know?_

“You really thought I wouldn’t find out?” Magnus called to his back, Alec could hear the trembling anger in his voice “especially when Jace _and_ Isabelle asked me, innocently of course, _if I was already planning the wedding, and how sappy you were proposing with the Lightwood ring_. The. **Fucking. Lightwood. Ring.** I know how much that ring means Alec, don’t bullshit me.”

Alec couldn’t breathe, he whirled around, and his heart dropped to his stomach because there Magnus was, tears streaked down his face—holding the ring _—the fucking ring_.

“ _Magnus_ …” Alec didn’t know what to say, he couldn’t think, _fuck_ , he didn’t know _hedidntknow_ what to do. This was not supposed to happen, Magnus was supposed to let him go, he was supposed to hate him. He wasn’t supposed to stop Alec from leaving (and disappearing from his life forever).

Magnus clenched his jaw, “Tell. Me. The. Truth.”

“There’s nothing to tell. I need to leave.” Alec moved to leave again, only to be stopped by a very magical and very strong barrier. He turned back around, “Magnus please, don’t make this harder than it already is.”

Magnus stalked towards him, until they were not even a foot apart and his voice softened, almost begging, “ _please_ , Alec, stay, please I deserve this.”

 _You deserve more than this_.

Alec said nothing, but he didn’t leave either. He’s never been good a denying Magnus anything, even now, when he’s spoken the unspeakable words—so cruel and mean. He was so, _so tired_. He was tired of pretending, of having to be cruel. It wasn’t as easy as it was before, Alec just wanted this all to end.

“Alexander…?” Magnus prompted, his heart in his eyes, “sweetheart, say something.”

 _Sweetheart_ , Alec doesn’t deserve this, he doesn’t deserve Magnus, he was never enough, never good enough for this. Alec’s breath hitched, and the next breath Alec draws is a sob _._ His entire body is trembling, from head to toe and _Alec can’t fucking breathe_. He screws his eyes shut and tries again to calm down, but he _just can't_. He exhales and then he's crying, harder than he ever has and he can't stop. His heart won't stop pounding and he can feel the panic and hurt he so tried hard to reign in burst through the pores of his skin.

Magnus doesn’t hesitate, he drops the ring and pulls Alec into him, hugging him against him and Alec just cries harder, “I didn’t mean any of it, _gods_ , Magnus I didn’t”.

Magnus hushes him and hugs him tighter, “I know _baby_ , I know.”

“I’m sorryso _sosorry_.” Alec didn’t know what else to say. He knew he didn’t deserve this forgiveness. He didn’t deserve anything. He felt like he was breaking apart, he hated this world, he hated Asmodeus, he hated that he never got to be happy—he hated how much Magnus has suffered. All he’s done was give, give, give and all he gets back is pain. But it won’t stop the fact that his every decision will affect Magnus from now on, he has to pull away. He still has to let him go—but for a second, he lets himself grieve. _Just a second_.

He composes himself quickly and forces himself to pull away. He needed to explain. His voice is raspy when he speaks, he still doesn’t look at Magnus even as he strokes Alec’s cheek, “You can’t have both.”

“What--?” Magnus questioned.

“You can’t have me _and_ the magic.”

“What do you mean?” Magnus demanded, “of course I—” he breaks off as realization dawned on him, “you made a deal, didn’t you?”

Alec hiccupped, “I made a decision so you wouldn’t have to live without the thing that makes you truly happy.”

“ _You make me happy Alec_!” Magnus shouted, he pulled Alec into him, desperation clear in his eyes.

Alec shook his head, “don’t—it’s okay, I don’t blame you. I don’t—I will always love you Magnus Bane. Warlock or not. But you can’t always love me. You need more—you deserve more.”

“Alexander,” Magnus whimpered, “please don’t do this, that’s not true. I _choose_ to love you forever, you are my heart, please, we can figure this out.”

Alec tried to smile, he did, “I’m sorry Magnus, I am. Please know that. But I have to do this. It can’t be undone.”

“No, Alec, _no_ , anything can be undone, don’t do this, don’t make me do this without you,” Magnus begged, “please _please_.”

Alec pulled Magnus into him, and kissed him chastely before leaning their foreheads together, “promise me you’ll find happiness, please, promise me you will let love in—” he paused, “and please always remember that I loved you, more than anything else in the world.”

“I can’t, Alec— _Alexander_ , you are it for me, please stay, stay and we will solve this, we always do.”

Alec pulled back and smiled sadly, “not this time my love, one day you will understand.”

He kissed Magnus’ forehead and spun around, before Magnus could put up any more barriers or magic, he walked out the door, tears streaming down his face. Knowing he just gave up the best thing that ever happened to him— _knowing he just gave up his entire life_.

\---

In the loft Magnus falls to his knees, violent sobs tearing through him as he watched his light—his sun—the one person he would give up the world for, the one person who loved him, who _he loved more than anything in this universe_ walk away.

He wanted this pain to end, he had fought his whole life, he has sacrificed everything time, time again. He was not going to let this happen. He refused to lose Alec too. He _refused_ , damned anything.

He reached for the fallen ring and slid it on his finger.

This was not the end.

\---

Maybe in another universe I wouldn’t be begging, praying and crying for your happiness—instead I would be by your side witnessing it every step of the way.

_In another life I would get to love you._

But this isn’t another life.

**Author's Note:**

> So....tell me did you like it? Should i write more things? Shall I continue this angst fest? Thank you for reading angels, love u xx.


End file.
